what U talkin'bout?

peer coaching is already working

In Leadership and Personal Development class this quarter, we are working with each other as peer coaches.  We each get one person to coach, and have another person coaching us.  I haven't even started with the person coaching me and I am getting benefits.  By helping my coachee define and approach his goals, I am reminded of how to climb out of feelings of overwhelm and into accomplishment.  It just takes perpetual reminders, I guess...

Last night and today were the first times I lit my white candle with intent toward myself instead of J.  She has made so many strides lately that I feel like I can back off a little.  I wonder what this will do to my equilibrium?  Much of my life has been dedicated to her.  The rest of my life has either been put on autopilot or has benefited from me not taking things so personally (because I haven't had the time or energy to spend on potential drama).

I am almost always a pessimist about myself and part of me feels like the above statements are untrue...feelings in the moment compared to afterward can be so complex, I guess.  Who knows where the real truth lies?

So, note to self: if I want to help myself then find someone else to help.
what U talkin'bout?

sigh

Just realized that I actually do have a class tomorrow evening (technically today, as it's after midnight).  My day is already packed.  Looks like I'll be attending that class from the hospital.  Oh, well.

I am SO not looking forward to peer coaching.  I just don't feel drawn to anyone in particular and am extremely unclear on needs/offerings right now.  It's just not my head space right now.  AND...there is only one person I have any interest in being paired with.  We're not supposed to coach our coachee, but maybe we can bend the rules and do it anyway.  We'll see.
what U talkin'bout?

the week's been good, yet...

I needed a day off today.  So...how do I manage and communicate my limits when I don't even know ahead of time when I need a break?  I'm so not good at pushing myself when I'm tapped out.

First week back at school.  First class got rescheduled.  Hope I'm not on the verge of another procrastination ride.  Doesn't help that all the tv shows are back from break, too.  It's like some cruel test of my focus and attention!
what U talkin'bout?

today has been absorbed

by food banking in pouring rain, vacuuming...errands for J's family
cats who simply must nap on or near me at all times...pulling me into sleep as well
just caught Boo licking chocolate remnants off a plate.  grr...I hope she doesn't get sick.
need an energy boost and effective pep talk to get through the last 3 deliverables for Finance.  I can do this...it's just a matter of will.
what U talkin'bout?

so freaking ready for her to move out

I wish I were better at strongly representing myself in the moment.  I caught myself playing the victim earlier in the day.  Got an email from her in the meantime, continuing to make assumptions about final billing that may sound fair in her mind but are extremely threatening to me.  I almost gave in to impulse in response.  Saved my draft response for revision and sending later.  Am waiting to be mature and strong.  I may or may not get that far.

In the meantime, I'm dealing with the front door unlocked and no one home when I arrived today (wtf?? my house would be safer standing empty)...continually tripping over over-sized bins in the front hallway (minor annoyance, but still annoying)...finding her things in my bathroom (again, minor annoyance...but they're adding up just in this one day)...finding her boxes stored under my bike (so that I can't get it down if I wanted to, and my panniers stacked on top of my bike...isn't she using up enough of my house?)... finding her in the fold-out couch with a date and the projector looked like it had been on past the end of a movie for a while (using up the life of my projector light bulb, which isn't cheap...I'm poor, she's not)...etc., etc.

She SO is not a person who I want in my life.  In fact, the sooner she's gone, the better.